i never want to be caught up again, emotionally burdened and painfully attached. i refuse to remember the feeling of every ounce of logic telling me to walk left, when all i wanted to do was to walk right. the way it felt to carry a sort of weakness within, to want to just break down and cry. i want to leave behind once and for all, the days i walked around in a bustling, noisy school, simply wanting it all to slow down so i could be alone to think things through, only for night to come to find myself attempting to distract myself from my thoughts, to will myself to keep my mind blank, to fall asleep quickly. the memories of scrolling through text message conversations and writing pitiful blog entries, feeling angry to hurt and back again twenty times a day. these are the emotions i fear, the circumstances i wish to avoid for the rest of my life. strung out and weak — the person i became when things went wrong.
i like to think i left that all behind, that if i ever find myself in similar situations, i will be able to act gracefully, speak wisely. i want to be able to stay afloat, rise above it all, instead of fighting to keep my head above water, drowning, sinking to the deepest of pits. i want to have a sense of clarity, to treat people with respect, regardless of how much i hurt, to have the humility to apologize when i am wrong, the confidence to demand answers. i want to have the motivation to fix things instead of just letting them fall to the ground, eventually forming ugly scars or to have the courage to walk away when it is time. i don’t want my honesty to cause pain, but at the same time, i don’t want the desire to make things square when it’s clear things need come to an end.